The INFJ Door Slam, and Is It Exclusive To INFJs?
The INFJ is one of sixteen Myers-Briggs personality types. For many years, it was known for being the rarest. Now, whether you believe the statistics or not, the fact is that once something gets labeled as rare, it becomes highly desired. With swarms of people laying claim to this personality type, and a plethora of content being written about it, several stereotypes and associations have emerged. One such association has been labeled the INFJ door slam.
If you’ve been interested in the 16 personality types for any length of time, the INFJ door slam is likely something you’ve heard about before, at least in passing. In this article, I aim to elaborate on this phenomenon: the what and the why. However, more importantly, I want to conclude the article by answering a question that I don’t see anyone else asking. Namely, is the INFJ the only personality type to commit the infamous door slam?
What is the INFJ Door Slam?
INFJs are known for being focused on others. Empathy is a strength of healthy INFJs. Many of those who claim the INFJ personality type identify as a Highly Sensitive Person (or HSP) because they tend to be emotionally sensitive, among other things. INFJs often feel the emotions of those around them, and focus their attention more on catering to other people’s emotions rather than differentiating their own.
INFJs can be very caring toward those who matter to them. Many are patient and forgiving as they strive to maintain emotional harmony with those around them as best as possible. Their Fe might focus on supporting those close to them, regardless of how they’re treated in return. They may overlook failure and even betrayal time and time again. This is why INFJs are sometimes described as being push overs or doormats. Of course, that is an INFJ stereotype. They certainly aren’t always pushovers, but they can be perceived that way because they will avoid creating conflict unless it’s absolutely necessary
However, one can only yield to others for so long. Eventually, things go too far, and too much is demanded of them. That’s where the INFJ Door Slam comes into play.
Slamming the Door
At a certain point, an INFJ will become too emotionally drained to deal with someone any longer. (A one-side relationship can’t last. There has to be give and take on both sides.) Once an INFJ has given all they have to give, that INFJ may decide that the relationship is too toxic for them to handle, and that they can no longer keep the relationship going. (Bear in mind, this can be any kind of relationship.) At that point, the INFJ emotionally “slams the door”.
Physically speaking, the INFJ will cut ties to the person as much as possible. Of course, it’s not always possible to completely cut someone off, depending on the role they play in your life. It might not be hard to avoid a former friend, but a family member or a coworker might be impossible to completely cut out of your life. However, ultimately, the INFJ door slam is more of an emotional act than a physical one. The INFJ may still be cordial and polite to the person, for the sake of general harmony, but they will no longer be emotionally giving and emotionally available. The relationship, from that point on, if it continues to exist at all, will only be surface level deep.
The Aftermath
When an INFJ finally cuts off a toxic relationship, it usually catches the other person off guard, because the INFJ has been so yielding, giving, and forgiving up until that point. This extreme act will seem out of character for them, but it may be too late for the other person to repair the relationship. Sometimes, it’s possible, over an extended period of time, to rebuild the relationship. However, that will not always be the case. Once the door has been slammed, it might never be opened again.
Is the INFJ Door Slam a Healthy Behavior?
No. Don’t get me wrong. It is good to be able to cut a toxic person out of your life, once you determine that you can’t handle the relationship any longer. However, extreme actions are frequently the result of earlier failures. The ideal is to be able to emotionally moderate one’s self to the extent that a sudden, unexpected door slam is never necessary.
Is the INFJ Door Slam Limited to INFJs?
Well, other than it being named after them, no. Limiting the door slam to the INFJs doesn’t make any logical sense. When it comes right down to it, the feeling function is the one that’s the most at play in the infamous INFJ door slam. It’s possible that this tendency has been specifically tied to INFJs because of a combination of Fe and idealism. In other words, maybe idealism contributes to them believing in a relationship longer than they should. After all, idealism is often associated with intuitive types. However, SFs can be more idealistic than they are given credit for, because feeling types in general tend to be idealistic.
What Other Personality Types Might “Door Slam” Someone?
Technically, any personality type can cut someone off. (The fact that INFJs make such a big deal about it just indicates how hard it is for them to do. Thinkers have a much easier time cutting people off.) However, what leads up to the door slam is part of what defines it. In other words, the door slam has to be sudden, extreme, and seemingly out of character because the individual was too emotionally giving up until that point. That potentially puts it in the realm of anyone who is highly empathetic.
Of course, many people want to make empathy the sole realm of Fe. Don’t get me wrong. Associating high Fe (IE: the FJs) with the Door Slam makes sense. FJs can struggle to differentiate their own needs from the needs of others, making them prone to basing their own value and identity on a group or a person outside themselves. When this happens, it can be extremely hard for them to turn their back on someone until they’ve been so emotionally drained that they have no other choice. Given that ISFJs have the same Fe placement as INFJs, they seem just as likely to fall prey to the Door Slam tendency, in my opinion.
However, FPs can also be deeply caring and highly empathetic toward those that they’ve grown very close to. I don’t think they’re often given enough credit for their capacity for empathy. Although, in theory, it should be easier for FPs to draw emotional boundaries between themselves and another person.
In Conclusion…
Bear in mind, that a lot of feelers mistake themselves for INFJs. While many personality types mistype as the INFJ, it’s especially common for INFPs, ISFPs, ISFJs, and ENFJs. In other words, the door slam tendency could have a much stronger association to these other personality types than people realize. There’s so many people mistyping as this highly coveted personality type that it’s just hard to say for sure.
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INTJ’s slam the door too. Of course, they are known stereotypically for “slamming the door before it even gets opened” – but its a thing.
The INTJ version has the condition where a) “intellectually it makes sense” to change choices for a different outcome (“Te” in play) AND b) their internal values-based “Fi” calculator says, “I’m worth more then this” or “what accepting this state says about me is no longer what I want myself to be known for”.
It’s almost like if the door slam they share occurs when “the list of possibilities” in a given situation hits a specific saturation point between positive, negative, and neutral – “their done” and the fold of those cards in that hand is that door slam – they are picking up their marbles and going home.
Honestly the INFJ door slam just sounded like drawing boundaries when I first read about it.
I do wonder if perhaps mistyped FPs (who type themselves as INFJs) are the ones making it a huge deal. I’m not saying INFJs aren’t capable of doing it, but I’d imagine an aux Fe would wanna keep their emotional struggles private? Idk.
Anyone who’s been used as a therapist, emotional dumpster or venting board can relate to feeling used and emotionally drained by people and shutting them out. I know I can and I’m not an Fe user or feeler.
Question:
1. Do INFJs (or Fe or feelers) get a kick out of helping people with their feelings and playing therapist or something?
Do they get emotionally fulfilled basically mirroring the other person’s feelings or something?
2. Do FPs get emotional fulfillment helping people with their feelings, or does it depend on their values? I’d imagine an FP would turn into a mini TJ and start firing solutions but about their feelings rather than practical solutions like I (ESTJ) would. Maybe FPs would be more patient with feelings than me too lol.
Nice article again 🙂
While I am not Mara or Ryan, maybe I could share my POV on the matter.
1. It could be an Fe outlet (or just overall trying to be nice) to help people with their emotional stuff. Doesn’t mean thinkers can’t do it, but Te users would see the problem and try to solve it as quick as possible, whereas Ti would probably try to just get a sense for the situation and do whatever with that. I personally dislike having to deal with peoples problems, unless it is someone close to me, although I am perfectly fine with giving you well-wishes (especially if I can relate lol). It’s like : “Yeah, I feel you, been there, done that. Hope you end up ok.”
2. Depends on the value system of the person in question, I’d say. Some people could be more willing to be helpful, than others. With Fi users specifically I could see the reasoning be either based on if they can get behind the emotional situation (relating back to the self) or if they have a view of themself, based on a more helpful individual and try to adhere to that. On a personal note, while I can be helpful, I only have so much patience for talking and discussing things, until I have to act on what I think either solves the problem or makes the situation more bearable for the person. If my attempts fail I walk away and if it is smth I absolutely have to deal with I become extremely forceful and calculating, while trying to solve the issue.
Idk, if this was helpful (or correct) at all. Feel free to ignore.
My theory is that “Fe” = “good emotional company” and that Fe users can’t relax and emotionally feel comfortable unless they are in a space with “good company” aka “good emotions” – then they emotionally do the equivalent of sigh and relax in their hammock or feel inspired to get to the business of doing whatever they need to do. People who do not feel powerful in the same situation will also do the same thing as a defense mechanism (emotionally be whatever they need to be) but take that need for self-defense away (with good boundaries) and the Fi users will be using their internal values compass to do their thing – and Fe users will still be looking for “good company” to design/access their feelings and emotions.
Gender matters too. In my experience as an INTJ female – I “plot out” scenarios where I use Te to “protect the Se experience” that creates “good company vibes” so that people leave me alone. I did test as INFJ for a long time and assumed that I was a “Fe specialist” for lack of a better term. It is through learning to set boundaries and taking business courses where I learned the difference between “Te” and “Fe” and realized what I personally tended to do.
One of my children is a teenager whom I think is ENTP (for now for reasons aside from the arguing). I match their “Ti” with my “Te” frequently, and there is evidence to support “Ne” as their first tool. But what was a real eye opener is conversations about “values” and “thoughts” – this individual can rattle off thoughts (finally!) that illustrate the formation of their values framework – but they cannot access that for themselves without “good company” – they need that space to complete that values introspection.
Yeah, it was helpful. Thanks, Infinity!
1. Yes, I think they get an extra boost from helping others emotionally. I think it helps them to have a good experience “Se” and create a “safe harbor” for them to process their emotions/values.
2. I think that any type can get emotional fulfillment from helping others with their feelings. FP’s can be good with validating other’s experiences and values. Especially XSFP’s for the concrete version of validation and the XNFP’s for the imaginative version. As an INTJ myself (though I can mask as an INFJ good enough to fool my mom), I have felt most comfortable emotionally with XNFP’s and XNFJ’s. I am married to a probable ISFP, so I know how to make that work. It really depends on the socialization and gender of the FP and/or the ESTJ though.
Thanks, Amy! That explains a lot, haha. Interesting! I haven’t talked to many NF types, so I’m curious what it’s like now. 🙂 I’ve felt the most comfortable around TPs who lean more into their Fe, and ISFJs, but I could be mistyping them. And I agree! Culture is another huge factor. Thanks for your feedback!