10 Tips For Getting Along With An ISTP

I’ve said this, before but self-help is not really my realm. Stereotypical, I know – an ISTP who isn’t great at writing self help type material – which is why the passing thought about writing material for ISTPs specifically probably won’t go anywhere (unless perhaps people start sending in very specific questions). However, the other day I was somehow reminded of a relationship-related question that I answered on reddit a while back, and it made me realize that I could probably scrounge together some general tips about how one could better get along with their ISTP. Of course, this is from my perspective as an ISTP, and I slightly cringe at the thought of speaking for all ISTPs. Nevertheless, I’ll give this a shot and hope someone out there finds what I come up with to be useful.

For the record, I’m not aiming this at any specific type of relationship. If there’s an ISTP in your life, you may find it helpful no matter what your specific dynamic is. I’m essentially going to give you a glimpse into the way we typically think…or at least the way I think as one. Naturally, some of these tips may apply to other types as well, because people are people, but I’m specifically writing it with ISTPs in mind.

As you read the points below, you’ll likely see a trend. Namely, pressuring an ISTP never goes well. We’re stubborn, and many of us can be flighty or avoidant. Bear in mind, I’m not trying to excuse any extreme negative or toxic behavior, and I’m not saying we shouldn’t attempt to change or grow as people. I hope the information that I’m going to provide isn’t framed in that way. I’m simply trying to share with you how ISTPs are and how they think. Remember, healthy ISTPs are both amiable and respectful, but we do need to be given adequate space and time to process, or we may find ourselves looking for an escape or a way to avoid you.

1. ISTPs are activity driven

If you want to connect better with an ISTP, you need to find something to physically do with them. When I’m in action, that’s when I’m the most comfortable actually talking to someone, because the primary focus is not on me. This probably has something to do with inferior Fe. I do sit around and talk, but you’re unlikely to really get to know me in those scenarios. For me to share anything emotional or personal, it will on average be tossed in as a side comment amidst an ongoing activity. Pay attention to those.

2. ISTPs may not care to weigh in on the planning

Meaning, sometimes we’re just along for the ride. You may think that you’re being nice to your ISTP by giving them a choice in a day’s activities, and then feel confused or frustrated when they shrug their shoulders and say “I don’t care”. What you need to realize is that sometimes we legitimately don’t care. It’s not that we don’t want to go somewhere. It’s not that we don’t want to spend time with you. It’s that we have nothing specific in mind, and we’re more interested in going somewhere with you then going to a specific location. Personally, assuming you haven’t been ignoring, missing, or dismissing my earlier suggestions, people are frequently doing me a favor by making the decision for me. I’m usually pretty open to whatever.

(Note: as briefly mentioned in the previous point, pay attention to off-handed/casual comments. Inferior Fe can be too easily shutdown.)

3. ISTPs need their hobbies

Personally, my sanity is wrapped up in my hobbies. Essentially, they are my escape. They stimulate and energize my mind, or distract my body so that my mind can process. In the past, the most stressful periods of my life have been when I was so busy that I didn’t have the time to deep dive into one of my projects. I enjoy hanging out with people, and I will pull those closest to me into a joint project when I can, as a means to connect to them (as per the first point). However, I do need to be allowed to go off by myself and work alone from time to time. Bottom line that I’m trying to get across: try to not smother your ISTP. Obviously, if the ISTP is constantly absent, then maybe the relationship is going no where, but beyond that scenario, don’t make it difficult for your ISTP to do a solo activity from time to time.

Don’t pay attention to the stereotypes; an ISTP’s hobby will not always involve tinkering in their garage. There are different strains of ISTPs. Your ISTP could be interested in any number of things.

4. Be careful forcing ISTPs to share their thoughts

ISTPs use Ti as their dominant function, and we have tertiary Ni as a support function. That essentially means that our thoughts can be extremely difficult to pin down while we’re still processing something. This is frequently why ISTPs tend to be people of few words. Unlike the NTPs, I figure everything out inside my head and am frequently not able to vocalize the process. I am extremely wary of sharing my half-baked thoughts, because to be frank, they can sound really stupid. I’m not joking. My brain is going somewhere, and I’m not sure exactly where. I’m looking for something, but I don’t know what, and sometimes I’m not even sure of the question I’m trying to answer. Sometimes all I know is that “something doesn’t make sense.” I’ve asked some of the dumbest sounding questions because I’ve been so laser-focused in on something that I’m just desperately trying to figure out how to get someone to produce an answer that’ll feed me what I’m missing. In these times, any speculations I produce, I will not be able to support. I’m just thinking. If I’m comfortable enough with someone, I may share some of my half-baked thoughts. However, if I receive criticism or am treated like an idiot, I’ll probably learn my lesson and never share my thoughts with you again.

5. Do not try to force ISTPs to commit to an event

I do like going places. I do like doing things. However, sometimes, depending on what it is, how many people will be present, and how comfortable I am with those people, it may take me some time to convince myself to do it. Of course, that being said, I may just say no. However, if I’m not giving an immediate answer, I may be trying to get myself used to the idea, to convince myself that I’m okay with it. If you try to force an answer out of me before I’m ready, the answer will be ‘no’ 100% of the time. I’m dead serious. “No” is an instinct for me when dealing with people. But, if you give me time to process, I may give you the answer that you want.

A positive example I have for this was when Joyce Meng reached out to me to participate in one of her Type Talk panels. I was in a mental battle with myself for around two weeks, I believe, and I very nearly told her ‘no’ several times. Luckily, neither Ryan nor Joyce ever directly pressured me, else I would have instantly yielded to my instinct to say ‘no’. (Ryan accidentally triggered my inferior Fe in such a way that I got the push that I needed to agree to it, but that’s an entirely different story.)

6. Don’t pressure ISTPs to immediately commit to changing their behavior

If you have a problem with an ISTP, do not demand that they immediately agree to change whatever you’re struggling with. (Obviously, there can be extreme scenarios here in which the ISTP is just straight up wrong and should stop whatever it is they’re doing. Try not to nit pick me here.) However, assuming we’re in a fairly normal, mundane situation, I need to make logical sense of whatever you’re asking. I need to make sure your complaint is valid, and that I’m actually guilty of it. I need to think about it. If you try to force me to immediately commit to a change, you’re going to put me on the defensive, which will likely lead to an argument. I respond the best when someone states their complaint and then just walks away without expecting me to say a word. Nine times out of ten, I’ll process their complaint and then alter my behavior as best I can. That is how I prefer to be dealt with, and that is how I’ve dealt with other ISTPs. Do that and then look for them to respond with their actions rather than their words.

7. Don’t try to force emotions out of ISTPs

I sincerely to want to connect with people who matter to me. Honestly. However, ISTPs have inferior Fe. Sometimes we literally don’t know how we feel. Now, you may (as any other type) be saying that you don’t always know what you feel either, but what you need to realize is that ISTPs can deal with extreme delays in emotion. We might literally feel nothing when we’re supposed to feel something. When I do feel something, it can take a lot of processing to figure out what it is. I am extremely insecure when it comes to my emotions, and I am extremely uncomfortable expressing them. If I feel any kind of pressure, I may freeze up and detach from the situation, which will effectively end the potential for any kind of deep connection. The worst thing you can do is make my emotions a focal point, and demand that I produce something of substance. You’re unlikely to be successful, and depending on how secure your relationship is with said ISTP, you might scare them away. Remember, Fe is our sore spot. In romantic relationships, if an ISTP is constantly feeling pressured emotionally, they’ll likely think they’re not good enough for you, and/or incapable of giving you what you need.

8. Don’t be a complainer

Whenever I look at those lists of ISTP pet peeves, they always say “complaining,” and I completely understand it. I absolutely hate complaining. Now, I’m not saying that people can never express their struggles, or state a complaint. That’s fine. I do that occasionally like any other normal human being. However, hearing constant complaining over the same thing is extremely irritating and draining. I like to hide myself in the moment, and focus on the things that keep me calm and content. I don’t want to hear a bunch of negative complaints over things that can’t be changed or things that you simply won’t change. From my perspective, it’s “Please just fix your situation or deal with life.” (Once again, this does not apply to extreme situations. If you’re struggling with something long term that’s not cut and dry, I get it. I’m willing to listen.)

9. Don’t make ISTPs feel like a burden

If you do an ISTP a favor, or perhaps do something thoughtful for them, don’t explain how much it put you out to do it. As an ISTP, I have inferior Fe. All I’m going to see is that being nice to me is causing you to be unhappy. If you matter to me, than you being unhappy is going to make me unhappy. In other words, I’m just going to feel bad, and like I’m a burden if it takes that much out of you do something thoughtful for me. If it’s going to cause you issues, then just don’t. I’ll be fine going without.

10. Be straightforward with ISTPs

If someone has a problem with me (who matters, naturally), I’d rather them just come right out and say it. What you’ve got to realize is that I don’t fully trust my intuition nor my understanding of people. I’m looking for queues, and I’m looking for honesty. I’m not a big fan of conflict. I’m not interested in making a big deal out of things, and I’d like to think I’m fairly amiable. What I don’t want to be doing is worrying about whether or not something is wrong because I sense something is off in our dynamic, whether it a be a friendship, romance, etc. (Or, even worse, I’d feel terrible and deeply bothered if I found out that I’ve been doing something wrong all this time and never realized it.) If something feels off, I’ll likely throw out a casual query like “Are we good?” or “Is everything alright?” but if the person deflects or denies there being a problem, I’m not likely to argue with them or push further. The exception to this is if the person is unavoidable in my life, and they’re super super important. Otherwise, if it’s just a friendship, I might just start to distance myself. We clearly don’t work anymore. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I never put work into a friendship, but if you’re not interested in working with me, then why would I try to force you? I’ll just move on. In addition, I’m not going to be pleased if I have to hear about the issue you have with me through the grapevine.