Inferior Fe from the Mind of an ISTP

Back in 2019, I wrote an article on inferior Fe from my perspective as an ISTP. Originally, I was incredibly hesitant to do it, because I’ve never really been a fan of sharing my experiences as they relate to my emotions. However, the goal of this blog is to promote an accurate understanding of the cognitive functions, so at the time, I bit the bullet, and wrote the article anyway since we kept getting questions about inferior Fe.

Recently, I looked at the article and realized that there were a few mistakes, a few things I either misinterpreted or relayed poorly. (I double-checked with Ryan to make sure I wasn’t just try to rewrite history.) So, this article is a rewrite, but I’m going to keep a lot of the original content intact, because the vast majority of it is accurate. I’m also a six years older at this point, so I thought maybe I could share my more updated take on inferior Fe as well.

My Inferior Fe

From the moment I was introduced to Myers-Briggs, I knew that I was a thinker. I never second-guessed it for a second. It wasn’t because I’m smart, or anything like that. It was because my emotions were something I never wanted to consciously factor in. If I could rationalize an emotion as illegitimate, I (for the most part) could dismiss it from my mind. Of course, it’s not that I didn’t feel emotions, or ever react to them, but often my mind (or the internal thought processes of it) felt like that of a robot: detached and critical. The deeper, vulnerable emotions I preferred to stamp down and bury into the deepest, darkest corne r of my mind, to keep them out of the way. I basically felt like the stereotypical Ti dominant, although I can’t say for sure if I looked like it to others.

My relationship with my identity has always been “abstract”, shall we say. I have often relied on others to label it. It’s not that I don’t have a sense of self. In fact, I can get rather offended when people make inaccurate assumptions about me. But, I’ve never cared to put labels on my identity. Instead, I’ve always paid attention to what others said about me, and judged whether or not those descriptors were accurate after reflecting on my behaviors, motivations, etc. I’ll instantly reject what I know to be false, while incorporating whatever “sounds about right” into my self-definition. I’m saying it that way, because without outside influences, I’m not bothering to place “words” to my identity. Some of this I attribute to my lack of Fi, and my inferior Fe looking to others for a shortcut, while the abstract elements might be Ni bleeding in.

In my earlier version of this article, I stated that “I am whoever people see me to be.” That statement is true, but not in the sense that my identity is “flexible”. It’s more like… how can I define myself as something that contradicts my actions? Therefore, what I present to others must be who I am; I can’t claim to be something that no one can see. That always seemed logical. But, utilizing people’s feedback can have its downsides. Growing up, people constantly joked that I was evil or mean, so I actually grew to believe that. After all, I had a lot of the stereotypical thinker issues with being insensitive, and I was prone towards aggression and anger. However, one summer when I was about 20 years old, I spent time with a new set of people, one of which described me as “sweet”. That comment threw me into a state of shock. I remember thinking about it for weeks, and ultimately realizing that I was actually a nice person most of the time. My negative traits were just being exaggerated and overemphasized by certain others.

Environments with a lot of unspoken social rules make me nervous. They always have. I like being in control of the impact I have on my environment. I’m not looking to accidentally offend people, or needlessly stir up trouble. I want to know exactly how to navigate social situations, so that if and when I disregard rules or offend someone, it’s intentional, and not some accident that I have to suddenly figure out how to recover from. That’s why I typically prefer to avoid situations where there are a lot of social rules and decorum. However, because it’s hard to completely avoid all that stuff, I end up initially acting hesitant in new social situations, while I try to feel out my environment and the people in it. I don’t trust myself to have the impact that I want to have, so I often keep myself at a distance until I think I’ve figured out what parts of me people can or cannot handle.

Social awareness is something I have a tenuous relationship with. I have always thought I was hyper-aware of the social atmosphere, but recently I’ve been informed that I’m not as aware as I think I am. I have always tried to pay attention to the reactions people give me, so I can quickly back peddle if I accidentally offend someone. But, with all that said, trying to be aware doesn’t mean that I know how to act or respond appropriately. It’s like how I can have a ton of personality theory knowledge and not actually know how to use it to improve my relationships with others.

I’m not conflict avoidant. In fact, sometimes I thrive in it and yearn for it. I have no issues refusing to yield to social pressure, bluntly telling someone ‘no’, arguing if I feel justified in doing so, expressing anger or disagreement, etc. But, by default, I try to be a nice person (because morals), but I have no issues releasing that restraint when it’s justified. Sometimes I’m looking for reasons for it to be justified, because my inferior Fe wants an anger outlet. When I was a system’s administrator, I used to march right into my boss’ office and argue with him regularly. I also demanded a raise when I realized I was being underpaid. In that job, I was constantly in situations where people would outlet their frustrations at me, blaming me for situations that weren’t my fault or presuming that I was at their beck and call. I probably leaned into my harsher nature a bit too much during that time. I had this one co-worker who kept telling me that I should go to the work functions and “connect” with my co-workers. That I’d regret it one day if I didn’t. I would just look at him cross-eyed, say “I doubt it”, and then move on.

In spite of all that, when I feel like it’s important for me to care about harmony or social convention, I end up sweating the small stuff, so to speak. Whenever I have to go somewhere with a dress standard, I worry about what is appropriate, and end up relying on others to interpret things like “semi-formal”. I always hated costume parties since I would be judged based on my choice. I would rather just be told what to wear. I also always hated opening gifts in front of people because I struggle to give them the response that they want, and as a result, I end up internally stressing out. (Of course, I can’t allow myself to display any of this – I keep my expression level or cheerful.)

My Fe usually ends up relegated to acting as my personal filter: to prevent me from saying or doing the wrong things around people whom I’d rather not be in conflict with (or to handle damage control when I mess up). In rare instances, my mind will get into a state where I analyze every single word before it leaves my mouth out of fear of how someone might react. In those moments, sometimes it’s easier to just not speak. I have literally been faced with scenarios in the past where my inability to gauge whether or not someone was joking resulted in me freezing up, while my brain got stuck in a loop, analyzing the two possible scenarios. I eventually realized that this is why I like socializing through activity. My mind will be distracted enough so that words can flow freely. Sometimes, as an insomniac, I actually get so tired that my Fe shuts off completely. It’s a very freeing experience that I occasionally wish was my normal state… but then again, maybe I don’t cause then everyone would probably hate me, and I guess I don’t really want that.

As a kid, I never liked standing out in large groups of people. For the most part, in public, I preferred to act and dress in a way that allowed me to fly under the radar. (Although, looking back, I did enjoy my weapons or snake themed t-shirts, which some people found odd.) Sure, I want recognition for my actions, and I want to be known as an intelligent, competent person, but I’ve never liked the spotlight. I’ve always been more of a work-behind-the-scenes type of person. I rarely raised my hand in class, even when I knew the answer. When a teacher would refuse to move on until someone answered, I would answer, because the stalemate was annoying. Otherwise, I kept silent. I was smart, but I never wanted to be the first to finish the big exam, because I wasn’t interested in anyone seeing me as the smartest person in class. I would literally wait until one or two people had finished before turning mine in.

I hate flattery, but I secretly enjoy the occasional compliment. I am not at all comfortable receiving compliments, though, and I don’t know how to respond. It’s an overall awkward experience to the extent that I question if I actually like compliments. Once I reluctantly admitted to Ryan that it would be nice if people knew it was my birthday, but then I instantly regretted it when everyone started singing to me.

Earlier, I mentioned feeling like a robot sometimes, but I am not an emotionless robot. I smile. I laugh. I joke. I smirk. I glare. I don’t struggle with all emotions, just the vulnerable ones, the “deep” ones. No one needs to see those, and I fight tooth and nail to hide them from view. I remember an argument I had with my sister once where she basically implied that her feelings ran deeper than mine, and my blood boiled when I heard that. I believe I said something to the effect of, “you think that because I’m not blasting my emotions everywhere like you do that I don’t have any?”

When I get it into my head to share some personal thought or I feel provoked to emotionally vent to someone, it doesn’t take much to dissuade me from doing so. (Bear in mind, I’m not talking about anger. If I’m angry, I have no issues expressing it. It’s the vulnerable emotions I’m talking about, the ones that make you look needy, weak or pathetic.) One little interruption or question could be all it takes to make me pause, doubt myself/overthink, and then revert back to a state of emotional lock down. I hate crying in front of anyone, even close friends and immediate family. As far as I’m concerned, crying at best gets in the way of what I’m trying to say. I rarely do it, and it is incredibly embarrassing. In those moments, I just want to hide away from any prying eyes, and come back later when I’m thinking straight.

I don’t like being around people that are going to stare at me or look directly into my eyes when I’m trying to express emotion. It’s too intense and awkward. I’d rather the conversation be casual or laid back, and not hyper focused on me and my feelings. Although, don’t mistake this for me not wanting a deep connection. I just don’t really feel capable of forming one. When I feel emotional pressure to “share” or to be open about myself, I either react by deflecting, by getting angry, or by freezing up and detaching from the situation, thus ending the potential for a deep conversation. A big part of the problem is that I don’t always know what I am feeling. I have to get completely alone, block out the entire world, and just think. I can have an emotional bomb dropped on me one day, feel completely fine at first, and not have it hit me until a day or two later. This has confused those close to me. I have been involved in arguments or discussions with someone who was determined to get a response out of me immediately, but I was completely incapable of giving it. My Ti needed to process. My Fe needed to be analyzed. I couldn’t just answer. I just needed to be left alone so I could think.