Wanting To Be Understood

I’m going share some thoughts, a perspective I guess. Please don’t hate me. The intent is not to attack. This is basically going to be another one of my rambles, for those who appreciate them. (Hopefully someone does. >.>)

People get into typology for a variety of reasons, but there are a couple of really common ones that I see repeated everywhere. The one I’ve been mulling over lately is the desire to be understood. I see this from a lot from people, which makes sense. Most people, at their core, want to be understood on some level. We’re all human. We all have feelings. We all want to connect with people, even if it’s only to that one single, trustworthy person.

I don’t think any one type is specifically exempt from feeling misunderstood. I sometimes see certain types gain the spotlight for that kind of thing, while other types are assumed to never have that problem. As a result, the “commonly misunderstood” type gets bitter against the supposedly “never misunderstood” type. Suddenly, everyone who is misunderstood is by default trying to type themselves according to that tendency, and thus problems, problems, problems.

But in reality, no one is exempt. Everyone can get lonely. Everyone can feel like an outcast. Everyone can feel isolated. Now, some people do seem more prone to focusing on those feelings though, dwelling on them. Some people are better at suppressing them for a time, choosing to ignore what’s there until it becomes too much handle or the problem miraculously manages to resolve itself somehow. Others seem more hyper-aware, and fixate on those feelings. They’re the ones that get online, searching for like-minded people to connect with, or venting to anyone who’ll listen, or trying to get attention in any way they can. Although, maybe the people who choose to suppress do some of those same things subconsciously. Hard to say.

But, the desire to be understood is not always deeply rooted in feeling misunderstood. There are levels at play. You can want to feel understood, without feeling tragically misunderstood. One does not demand the other, but obviously one plays into the other. However, sometimes, regardless of how legitimate the cause, desiring to be understood gets taken too far, and turns into toxic behavior.

When people start talking about being misunderstood, the cynical side of me usually serves me up this one question: are they feeling misunderstood because no one is truly listening or because no one is placating them?

Perhaps that sounds mean, but typology attracts toxic people. This seems to be an unfortunate fact. Some people do use it for growth and to increase their awareness/understanding, but others simply want a label or excuse to blame all their actions on. A scapegoat. “I can’t help being this way. I’m just (insert type here).”

Sometimes I see people go on and on about feeling misunderstood, and eventually it becomes clear that they don’t actually want to be understood. They want to be agreed with, or validated. There is a big difference between those two things. You can give someone empathy and understanding without placating or agreeing with the way they are thinking. Some thinking is wrong and irrational, and I’m not aiming this statement at feelers. I’ve seen just as many irrational statements come from thinkers. I was discussing this with an INFP friend the other day, and I basically said that “Feelings may not be rational, but ignoring or denying their presence is far more irrational.” Everyone is equally prone to being stupid and irrational. We just all have different ways that we go about it.

Placating someone’s bad thinking is not helpful. To just agree for the sake of agreeing is not always the best idea. Of course, neither is unnecessary conflict. But, sometimes I see these “no-win” situations crop up where I can tell the person’s “desire to be understood” is going to cause continual isolation or conflict, because they will never find that person who always placates their irrational thinking. Eventually someone points out a hole or a flaw, and that person flees, because they can’t face the fact that they might have to adjust their outlook. They can’t face the fact that they might be wrong, or that they might need to change. They just want to get validation for their toxic behavior.

To be honest, I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I want to tell people to examine their motives behind wanting to be “understood”, and determine if that’s actually what they’re going for. Because, if it’s really about being constantly placated or validated, and never disagreed with, that will continue to propagate unhealthy behavior, driving one further and further into their pit of isolation. A healthy relationship consists of honesty, and to be honest, one cannot always just agree. Although, I’m in no way excusing harshness or a lack of empathy. We should all strive to be considerate and understanding when dealing with others.

Take what you will from this. Try to get along with others. To tie this a little better into the realm of typology, correcting one’s personality type is often not a productive nor a necessary conflict. I think some people over-value correctness in that sense. Sure, it hurts to see the bad logic, and the stereotype propagation, and I won’t stop stating what I believe to be accurate. But ultimately, if landing on that one wrong type for a while helps somehow, than whatever. Let the person claim the type that they want. Hopefully, they’ll eventually learn their way out of it, but usually fighting someone over their type is fruitless. Try to be the understanding person that you want to have in your life, and maybe people will be more willing to listen to you, and come around on their own.