Dating Based On Personality Type

Today, we are going to cover a topic that we get asked about every now and then, and that’s personality type and dating… whether it can help indicate who you should date (or who you shouldn’t). What are the best matches? Are certain combinations a recipe for success, while others a recipe for disaster?

These days, we see all kinds of Myers-Briggs dating apps springing up. People run around declaring that they’re looking for a very specific type, and that becomes their entire focus. Granted, the idea here is that certain types are going to more naturally mesh with others, resulting in the perfect balance that everyone is looking for. Ergo, people look to Myers-Briggs experts, and the statistics that varying sites put out in order to guide them in their search. The question is… Is this effective? Does it actually work?

If only, right? Unfortunately, life is just not that simple. It’s nice to think that we can organize everyone by type and narrow our search for love by only looking for one personality type, but this is neglecting the fact that personality type is only one facet of someone’s personality. To that,I might add, it is honestly one of the least relevant ones when it comes to something like this. Now, we’re not saying you should never use personality type as a factor, and that those Myers-Briggs dating apps should be scrapped. Some people may find them useful, and others may have had some success with them in the past. We’d just like to encourage you to look a little beyond that scope, and realize that there is so much more to people than just their four letter type.

When it comes to romantic relationships…

There is some truth to ‘opposites attract’. Generally speaking, we have seen that people tend to find someone who balances them out in one way or another. However, there are a lot of different balances. For instance, not every ESTJ will be the same, and what each needs will vary. (Life experiences play a huge role in what you personally would be best suited for.) We have seen ESTJs in relationships with INFPs, ENTPs, ENFPs, ISFJs, and etc. The only thing we would specifically view as a bad idea is to choose someone with the same personality type as you, since that provides no “balance” and wouldn’t leave room for much growth. But chances are, you’re not going to naturally be attracted to someone who is basically you…

So, in a nutshell, even if you are using type to try and dictate your dating life, there is too much variation within one type to have a catch all that says all ESTJs will want to marry INFPs. There will be ESTJ and INFP pairings that get along great, and others that will absolutely hate each other. Why? Because there are other factors at play. Nurture is a big one. Exposure to INFPs in the ESTJs youth may have left either a positive or negative impression on them making them either naturally more or less inclined to get along with people of a similar mindset. Furthermore, upbringing could leave different kinds of imbalances within the ESTJ itself, leaving other cognitive match ups to be more suitable to balance that specific ESTJ out. An ESTJ raised by feelers, for instance, may not need a feeler to balance them out necessarily. In cases like that, they may be better suited with a Ti user to balance their view point instead, or maybe a high Se or Ne user to loosen them up.

What’s actually important…

At the end of the day, it is far more important for you and the other person to align on core values and things of importance than to match up to a specific personality type. Some examples include what you want out of life, how you want to start and run a family, career goals, hobbies, and life philosophies. These are the things that make or break relationships. When people get swept up in the throngs of love, wrapped up in the excitement and infatuation of a relationship, it is easy to overlook those kinds of things. A relationship that isn’t built on any kind of common ground is a relationship built on nothing. Time will rob you of the vain attractors that initially bring people together, and if that’s all the relationship was based on to begin with, there will be nothing left.

Many people seem to have an innate sense for finding someone who will balance them. (Obviously, there are exceptions to this, but…) This is why you tend to see most successful couples covering for each other’s weakness. It is kind of interesting to see even those who have no knowledge of personality theory still instinctively know how to look for this. Honestly, sometimes it feels like personality enthusiasts get so wrapped up in personality theory that they start to overthink life and lose sight of simple realities.

We think that personality theory only tends to provide further explanation as to why or how someone else is balancing you out. This is where personality theory can be genuinely useful when it comes to relationships. Rather than dictating who someone is dating to start with, it should be used as a tool to better understand each other after the fact.

Bonus info:

When it comes to friendships, variety is the spice of life. 🙂 The more different types you learn to connect with the better, but who you naturally connect with is likely going to be determined by what you’re used to. For instance, the types of your family members can play a huge role in who you’re good at connecting/communicating with… or perhaps if you come from a less than ideal family life, you may swing in the opposite direction. You’ll probably also link up well with types that are very similar to yourself. Hobbies and interests (which is completely separate from typology) will also probably play a huge role.

In conclusion…

One should never use type as a primary metric for dating or relationships. Instead, you should focus on finding someone who is essentially like-minded. That being said personality typing can still be a good tool to help couples understand each other better and by extension help strengthen the relationship. Hopefully, someone finds this helpful. We know it’s different from what our blog typically covers. See you in the next one.